Sunday, July 13, 2003 @ 04:19am | Entry no.251 | hehe... pickles. ||   mood    contemplative   || ||   music    ah my goddess   || "Do you really believe absence makes the heart grow fonder? It's a crock. Out of sight, out of mind is the way it usually works in the real world."    -Megumi, Ah! My Goddess. That movie's been playing nonstop for the past few hours, except I haven't been paying attention and it's just been background noise to me ... except for that one line. It just popped out at me, and I thought it was worth mentioning. Unfortunately, that is how it usually works in the real world. ((sighs)) It seems to be a recurring action amongst myself and people in my life. My poor Chadwick, he's worried to death about what may happen when his girlfriend leaves for school, and Dolly's situation with [deleted], when he conveniently forgot about his girlfriend for a night. And myself, although I find myself missing my sweetie like crazy whenever I'm not with him, when I'm with friends, sometimes I have to remind myself, "oops, I can't be the same flirty person that I usually am". I don't mean to forget that I have my sweetie, and that's not the case at all. It's just that when you get with a certain group of friends, you just fall back into the old routine of things. I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I just need some way to assuage this feeling of guilt(?) inside of me. I don't have anything to be feeling guilty about, but nevertheless, there is something that isn't sitting quite right with me. Ha, it's probably the "other" guys I've been thinking about. Yes, guys, more than one. I've been a very naughty little girl, who thinks about more than one guy besides her boyfriend. Shame on me. And I do feel very horrible about that, because it's not fair to my sweetie. Because in every other instance in my life, whenever I was with a guy, that guy was the other one for me. It's also not fair to me, because why is it always when you have someone else, that these people pop up who you genuinely enjoy talking to and being with? Perhaps it's because I'm more hesitant about letting guys too close to me, and this is just my little screwed up tactic to keep myself from getting hurt. Or it's just my subconscious telling me that it's not the right time to be with someone. I'm just so confused right now. I really need to be able to just see things with the simple clarity that I used to be able to before... well.. just before. I wish everything could be just black and white, either this way or that, because it's just driving me insane. Speaking of driving me insane, mummy dearest has been giving my number out to my aunts in Canada. She had Linda call me and leave a message asking me to come to Canada for the 20th anniversary of something or other. And then she had Lisa call me and practically beg me to go to Edmonton. My grandparents are moving back to Vietnam, and they'd really like it if they could see all their grandchildren before they do. C'mon now. Like they even remember us. Everyone up in Canada sees us every 4 years or so, and even then, when we do visit, it's more like a shopping expedition for us, [meaning my sister, my brother and I], and it's almost like we're a burden to everyone there after a while, because, well, we are a group of loud, obnoxious "yankees" as they say. The last time we were up there, I had to keep my sister and her temper and my brother and his foul mouth in line more than several occaisions. Ah, I don't know. Should I go to Canada? Should I move to Jersey? Should I just go run away from all my problems like I've been wanting to for the past few months? Running away sounds like a plan. At least, I haven't fell back into my old ways, even though my depression has been slowly creeping up on me. It mostly still bothers me at night, when I'm trying to fall asleep by myself; the same old thoughts plague me and I'm terrified of the extent of it when it fully runs it's gamut this time. I'm afraid, afraid of myself, afraid of what the future holds, afraid that I'm starting to really fall for my sweetie, and I don't know what I'll do without him there. I just want to run away from all of this before I just don't know how to handle it. Each time I go through the depression, I find myself struggling more and more against it; how is it that I survived all the mental anguish I managed to put myself through? Ugh, I need to shut up. Suck it up and stop being such a punk about things. Blah, I'm crazy. It's time to go back to the shrink and see what they can do for me. [absolutely nothing except to tell me the whole thing's in my head] Meds? [no drugs for me, not wise to give them to someone with suicidal tendencies and penchant towards doing things in excess ]. Loony bin? [ nah, I'll pass, not into getting raped in the showers]. Anyways, I'm going to try and watch a different movie other than Ah! My Goddess. Maybe I'll watch Road to Perdition and try to get my mind off of things. <33 toodles edit haha... the subject line was just added because I saw that I lacked one. This is the whole explanation of it, I was in the car with Kare when she drove by Jacks, and I remembered going there with Mattie. [look ya got mentioned, again!] and I suddenly had a craving for pickles. So, I just said. "I feel like a pickle" "A pickle?" "Yes, a pickle" [silence] "Is there a reason why you feel like a pickle, Nanc?" "Uhm, nope. I just want one." "Oh! I thought you meant you were feeling like a pickle." "Why would you think that?" "I don't know... but then again, I never know with you" My best friend, how lovely. She thinks I'm a loony too. yay!! edited @ 9:16 am, Sunday, July 13, 2003 Thank goodness for AIM+ and it's abilty to save all AIM conversations. If it weren't for that, I'd be very screwed, because my memory is incredibly shoddy and selective. phooey ( conversation ) Doesn't anything think that a pickle is ... just ... a .. .pickle? unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Sunday, July 13, 2003 @ 08:21pm | Entry no.252 | like a fool, I'm into you. ||   mood    frustrated   || ||   music    "this isn't love anymore" _ zoe   || I'm back in my whole, "I hate men" mood. [note to that bastard who made me cry ] I can't ever seem to do anything right when it involves myself and you. Every time that I think something is going okay, you come up and interfere with my life and tell me stupid things that makes me cry. Look, I'm sorry that I can't be with you! It's not like I don't want to, but I just can't! Fuck, it's like you get some sick pleasure out of making me cry about things I have no real control over. I mean, you've had all this time to speak up and say something, but you didn't, and that makes me the bad guy? Ugh. And it's not my fault in the least either, because I've always made my feelings known to you. I liked you, I still do like you, but I really need to just stop, because it hurts when you say those things to me. I promised myself I wouldn't cry over anything you say, especially when you're trying to hurt me, but it's always those things you say from your heart that just make me hate myself. I can't keep reassuring you that I do care for you, because not only is it not fair to us, it's not fair for my boyfriend. If only you could have spoke up sooner. Why couldn't you have said anything sooner? I mean, so much time was wasted, so many nights when we were just talking, and I was wishing in my heart that you'd say something. Granted, I could have mentioned something, but I thought I was being so obvious. Why couldn't you have ever taken me seriously? True, I'm a silly little girl, but I wouldn't bring up certain topics if I didn't genuinely think them. Must you be so dense? Mister man, you were always that special boy who always had the ability to make me smile whenever I was down, because you're just that silly, and I always wished that you would feel the same way back towards me. And now that I'm happy in a relationship, you come back and taunt me and make me doubt him and my whole relationship with him. That's not what friends do; they should be happy that their friend finally found some bit of happiness, not try to rip away what little self-confidence they have. I know I should stop talking to you; either be happy for me, or shut up about it entirely. Just be my friend, be there when I need you, and I'll be there when you need me. And, no I've never denied how I felt towards you. Don't ever think that I don't care, or that I've stopped. It's just that I can't do anything about it. Okay. I just can't. You're special to me, just leave it at that; don't force me into telling you every friggin time I talk to you that I care about you. But no matter how much I care about you, I'm not going to end my relationship with a perfectly lovely guy for the unknown. I can already hear you calling me a chicken. No, it's called being an adult. Try being one sometime. Fuck this, why am I feeling all guilty about this? You're the bad one! You're the one starting shit with me because you were too damned chicken to ever say anything to me. Shut up already. You had your chance and it passed by. Now, quit your whining, because at this rate, you won't even have me as a friend soon. I don't mean to be all harsh, but it seriously needs to sink in. You bastard. I hate you for doing this. I still love you though. [ end note ] I wrote that in hopes that one day he'll stumble across it and read it. I could just tell him, but I don't want to let him know that he's won. I hate guys. I hate him. I hate myself. Bah! Guys! They just love to drive me insane. fitting song // ( Zoe, This isn't love anymore ) ( 3 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )